Fuck it.

You know what? im gunna have an imaginery boyfriend NO NO NO WAIT. Husband.
Fuck you real men.
FUCK
YOU.
:L

Well that all went to shit. Again.

Well non-exsistant readers.... once again i have failed at life. Ashley left me. After quite a long time of course and the fucking irony of it all is that at the end i actually genuinely love him :L how bad is that? all those feelings for troy only lasted a few months after all. I guess if im lucky the same thing will go for ashley. Hes already got a new girlfriend you know. Doesnt that just feel like a stab in the gut. GREAT. Just thought i oughter let you know. God help me.

Nearing the top of the mountain

Well, we're coming near to the end of 2011. Wonder if the world will really end in 2012.... HMM. This years been pretty hard, bad break up after bad break up. One of which i don't think i'll ever really fully recover from to be honest. If i do recover at all. But on the better side of things i've changed alot. I feel stronger, i'll need to be i guess for the future, I personally think i look alot better too haha thinner and got better make up skills and what not lol. Gained a great boyfriend finally. (LETS HOPE IT STAYS WITH ME THINKING THIS lol ). Pulled myself through exams and passed from all but 2. And i don't think thats bad for me actually. On a present note, i'm totally stressing out about my up coming french speaking exam, got an E in the last one. But to be fair i did try to fluke that pretty badly. My bad. Lesson learned. I've learnt the first and part of the seconed question off by heart so i'm doing better than before :L Haven't done any art either :S Oh well i'm not doing anything tomorrow so i think i'll spend tomorrow doing all that and catch up a bit, it'll be fine as long as i wake up lol. I still feel like a big loser most of the time. But if theres one thing listening to lady gagas taught me, its that no matter how conseated and fucking dicky other people are, you can't let them stop you from being who you really are. Because thats not right. And my new years resiloution (one of them at least), is to let who i actually am show more. I don't want to hide away what i feel anymore and wear clothes that people won't judge me in. I like wearing alternative shit and i like tribal necklesses and bracelets and i like crystal pendants and i don't think emos are gay. I think chavs are gay. Theres nothing wrong with loving who you are! I was born this way :P lol. I don't care if i'm short or if im not skinny enough. God dammit if i could be id be a warrior :L .
AH. Writing all that made me feel rather good actually xD. Teehee. Well right not i feel like playing skyrim and you can't say no to that. AND YES I AM LEVEL 63. And i can be any level i want to be. harhar. Besides i gotta get the urge out now or i won't be able to work all tomorrow hehe. Night night blogger. Even no one reads this. Good night possible reader.

Ima sitting with Ben Reeves.

Well right now i am indeed sitting with ben reeves who said he didnt bitch about me but yeah he probably did but i dont mind its the deniying it that counts really isnt it :L Hes looking at pictures of gressenhall workhouse where he... works. Ironic really. OMG its christmas soon! im so excited >.< and bens getting wet over guitars. Not sure if we're going to prom together or not yet. I hope so cos that means i have a MALE date to go with. And bens just awesome anyway really so i dont mind. But he'll probably go with chris. Cos there the biggest music making bum buddies ever and what not. But i bet i'll get to dance with him in the end.... if he can dance. Nah i don't see that happening actually. I'll just dance by myself :L. LUUUUUUUKE ELLIS. has a job. WOW. lukey has a jobbums! and ashly has a jobbums! Yeah i really dont know why im writing this. Its most likely out of boredum. Yeah. I'll stop now.

Fuck you PUK code.

Honestly! I just spent like the last 20mins trying to get on to MY PHONE! Just wanted to make a bloody code so no one could look through my phone and it locks me out. Urgh what a palarva. Wow. Was just reading through my last post (Cos i'm sad like that).... thats realllllly sad. Like its actually pathetic. I'm metophorically slapping and shooting myself in the face if anyone actually ever reads that. Not that they will no one reads this i just get bored sometimes. In fact i might remove that post or at least edit it (ACHEM when i can be botherd). Oh dear lord i'm in love with a NPC! AN N  P  C. What have you gotten yourself in for here livvy? Playing Skyrim waaaay too much. But to be fair my life sucks its so isolated. This house really is a cage. LOL, do you knoww what i want for christmas? Farkas to be a real person :L. Hes a lovely husband hehe. God if there was someone in the world that looked just the same as him i would actually fall in love at first sight. Ok. Enough of the nerd stuff. Lets let me chow down on whats going on with the world of the day dreamer. Not much. Sums it up in the good things area. Things with guys arnt too great. Im a terrible person. I actually am. But jesus christ im aloud to have a friend to talk to on the phone right? Urgh. Enough of this jibba jabba i need to like chill before my back knots up even more -.- Night night cold world.

Oh life. Be a dear and let me win the gadget show please.

Wow what i'd give to win the gadget show competition :L Its so awesome! I wish i win xD But nah i know thats not happening any time soon... or in this life time at least. Right... now i've let that out. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE. Nah its alright actually, its just the guys it revolves (or used to but... you know old habits die hard) are just pricks. PRICK PRICK PRICKS!... so why do i still like one of them? Urgh. I don't care. I have a fantastic boyfriend. Absoloutely fantastic. And i'm not being sarcastic at all. Only problem is i don't let go of things... or in this case people. URGGGGH why did i have to fall in love with you so much? Why were you so great and... all that shit! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!!!!! YOU FUCKING PRICK HOW DARE YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THAT YOU SCUM!... but i love you all the same...because unlike your feelings, mine were real. And they still are. Please let me go. I can't stand feeling like this about you all the time.
Ok, just kinda realised i was addressing him there and not the... maybe one reader. Hey sam or ashley :D. Well if ever the person thats addressed to ever reads that (which i highly doubt they will) then i don't know what'll happen and i don't really care either to be honest xD. I love my boyfriend. Hes awesome. Poor thing got picked on again today. I swear if anyone ever does anything like that infront of my i'm gunna go fucking spear :L Like proper crazy :L Rippin out hair (maybe teeth too) beaten the shit into them. You know. The works. Although to be fair i'd probably just get raped on the fact that i'm uber small and weak... I do kung fu though... (not very well...). Yeahhhhh i'd die. Oh well :L
I hate my body and myself. I just hate it. I hate the way my stomach is and how all the other girls have chopping board stomachs. Guess i'm just fat. Urgh i hate this body. Well the shape is good. I just hate the fat all around it. And how small and weak i am. And my legs. God i hate my legs. Not sure i really want to even write about in case someone sees. (which they won't cos no one reads this because no one cares). And i hate my hair :(
I get so depressed. Earlier on today, just a few hours ago i looked up how to make myself throw up. How desperate. Not to mention pathetic. But i still want to do it all the same.
Overdosed myself on painkillers a few weeks ago. Not to kill myself or anything i was just in pain. Then my teacher overheard and told the school counciler. Even though i wasn't doing it to hurt myself. She just made me realise how easy it was. How easily i could do it if i wanted to. And i hate the fact that i was actually tempted to try it. But with ashley, I have a reason to live. As stupid as it sounds. To be honest at the begining of our relationship i wasn't that into him at all. (When i say that i mean like when i first found out who he was). But hes so great and I'm sooooooooo glad i have him. Wouldn't be the same without him at all. And unlike someone he actually cares about me. And my feelings. Values me as a person. I wish i could spend everyday with him, its horrible not being with him. I feel guilty that i still care for someone else and love them but at the end  of the day i know with time it'll pass. I just have to ride it out and everything will be ok i know it will. It doesn't matter anyway. I don't matter really.
Well this has been both depressing and angry and my usual sense of self banter as i type instead of having a lengthy conversation with myself :L
Bye bye reader x

wellllllllllllllll

Well...thats the end of my little saga. Hope its not too bad. I did do it in year 9 though so give me some credit lol.