Wow what i'd give to win the gadget show competition :L Its so awesome! I wish i win xD But nah i know thats not happening any time soon... or in this life time at least. Right... now i've let that out. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE. Nah its alright actually, its just the guys it revolves (or used to but... you know old habits die hard) are just pricks. PRICK PRICK PRICKS!... so why do i still like one of them? Urgh. I don't care. I have a fantastic boyfriend. Absoloutely fantastic. And i'm not being sarcastic at all. Only problem is i don't let go of things... or in this case people. URGGGGH why did i have to fall in love with you so much? Why were you so great and... all that shit! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!!!!! YOU FUCKING PRICK HOW DARE YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THAT YOU SCUM!... but i love you all the same...because unlike your feelings, mine were real. And they still are. Please let me go. I can't stand feeling like this about you all the time.
Ok, just kinda realised i was addressing him there and not the... maybe one reader. Hey sam or ashley :D. Well if ever the person thats addressed to ever reads that (which i highly doubt they will) then i don't know what'll happen and i don't really care either to be honest xD. I love my boyfriend. Hes awesome. Poor thing got picked on again today. I swear if anyone ever does anything like that infront of my i'm gunna go fucking spear :L Like proper crazy :L Rippin out hair (maybe teeth too) beaten the shit into them. You know. The works. Although to be fair i'd probably just get raped on the fact that i'm uber small and weak... I do kung fu though... (not very well...). Yeahhhhh i'd die. Oh well :L
I hate my body and myself. I just hate it. I hate the way my stomach is and how all the other girls have chopping board stomachs. Guess i'm just fat. Urgh i hate this body. Well the shape is good. I just hate the fat all around it. And how small and weak i am. And my legs. God i hate my legs. Not sure i really want to even write about in case someone sees. (which they won't cos no one reads this because no one cares). And i hate my hair :(
I get so depressed. Earlier on today, just a few hours ago i looked up how to make myself throw up. How desperate. Not to mention pathetic. But i still want to do it all the same.
Overdosed myself on painkillers a few weeks ago. Not to kill myself or anything i was just in pain. Then my teacher overheard and told the school counciler. Even though i wasn't doing it to hurt myself. She just made me realise how easy it was. How easily i could do it if i wanted to. And i hate the fact that i was actually tempted to try it. But with ashley, I have a reason to live. As stupid as it sounds. To be honest at the begining of our relationship i wasn't that into him at all. (When i say that i mean like when i first found out who he was). But hes so great and I'm sooooooooo glad i have him. Wouldn't be the same without him at all. And unlike someone he actually cares about me. And my feelings. Values me as a person. I wish i could spend everyday with him, its horrible not being with him. I feel guilty that i still care for someone else and love them but at the end of the day i know with time it'll pass. I just have to ride it out and everything will be ok i know it will. It doesn't matter anyway. I don't matter really.
Well this has been both depressing and angry and my usual sense of self banter as i type instead of having a lengthy conversation with myself :L
Bye bye reader x
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