Nearing the top of the mountain

Well, we're coming near to the end of 2011. Wonder if the world will really end in 2012.... HMM. This years been pretty hard, bad break up after bad break up. One of which i don't think i'll ever really fully recover from to be honest. If i do recover at all. But on the better side of things i've changed alot. I feel stronger, i'll need to be i guess for the future, I personally think i look alot better too haha thinner and got better make up skills and what not lol. Gained a great boyfriend finally. (LETS HOPE IT STAYS WITH ME THINKING THIS lol ). Pulled myself through exams and passed from all but 2. And i don't think thats bad for me actually. On a present note, i'm totally stressing out about my up coming french speaking exam, got an E in the last one. But to be fair i did try to fluke that pretty badly. My bad. Lesson learned. I've learnt the first and part of the seconed question off by heart so i'm doing better than before :L Haven't done any art either :S Oh well i'm not doing anything tomorrow so i think i'll spend tomorrow doing all that and catch up a bit, it'll be fine as long as i wake up lol. I still feel like a big loser most of the time. But if theres one thing listening to lady gagas taught me, its that no matter how conseated and fucking dicky other people are, you can't let them stop you from being who you really are. Because thats not right. And my new years resiloution (one of them at least), is to let who i actually am show more. I don't want to hide away what i feel anymore and wear clothes that people won't judge me in. I like wearing alternative shit and i like tribal necklesses and bracelets and i like crystal pendants and i don't think emos are gay. I think chavs are gay. Theres nothing wrong with loving who you are! I was born this way :P lol. I don't care if i'm short or if im not skinny enough. God dammit if i could be id be a warrior :L .
AH. Writing all that made me feel rather good actually xD. Teehee. Well right not i feel like playing skyrim and you can't say no to that. AND YES I AM LEVEL 63. And i can be any level i want to be. harhar. Besides i gotta get the urge out now or i won't be able to work all tomorrow hehe. Night night blogger. Even no one reads this. Good night possible reader.

Ima sitting with Ben Reeves.

Well right now i am indeed sitting with ben reeves who said he didnt bitch about me but yeah he probably did but i dont mind its the deniying it that counts really isnt it :L Hes looking at pictures of gressenhall workhouse where he... works. Ironic really. OMG its christmas soon! im so excited >.< and bens getting wet over guitars. Not sure if we're going to prom together or not yet. I hope so cos that means i have a MALE date to go with. And bens just awesome anyway really so i dont mind. But he'll probably go with chris. Cos there the biggest music making bum buddies ever and what not. But i bet i'll get to dance with him in the end.... if he can dance. Nah i don't see that happening actually. I'll just dance by myself :L. LUUUUUUUKE ELLIS. has a job. WOW. lukey has a jobbums! and ashly has a jobbums! Yeah i really dont know why im writing this. Its most likely out of boredum. Yeah. I'll stop now.

Fuck you PUK code.

Honestly! I just spent like the last 20mins trying to get on to MY PHONE! Just wanted to make a bloody code so no one could look through my phone and it locks me out. Urgh what a palarva. Wow. Was just reading through my last post (Cos i'm sad like that).... thats realllllly sad. Like its actually pathetic. I'm metophorically slapping and shooting myself in the face if anyone actually ever reads that. Not that they will no one reads this i just get bored sometimes. In fact i might remove that post or at least edit it (ACHEM when i can be botherd). Oh dear lord i'm in love with a NPC! AN N  P  C. What have you gotten yourself in for here livvy? Playing Skyrim waaaay too much. But to be fair my life sucks its so isolated. This house really is a cage. LOL, do you knoww what i want for christmas? Farkas to be a real person :L. Hes a lovely husband hehe. God if there was someone in the world that looked just the same as him i would actually fall in love at first sight. Ok. Enough of the nerd stuff. Lets let me chow down on whats going on with the world of the day dreamer. Not much. Sums it up in the good things area. Things with guys arnt too great. Im a terrible person. I actually am. But jesus christ im aloud to have a friend to talk to on the phone right? Urgh. Enough of this jibba jabba i need to like chill before my back knots up even more -.- Night night cold world.

Oh life. Be a dear and let me win the gadget show please.

Wow what i'd give to win the gadget show competition :L Its so awesome! I wish i win xD But nah i know thats not happening any time soon... or in this life time at least. Right... now i've let that out. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK MY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE. Nah its alright actually, its just the guys it revolves (or used to but... you know old habits die hard) are just pricks. PRICK PRICK PRICKS!... so why do i still like one of them? Urgh. I don't care. I have a fantastic boyfriend. Absoloutely fantastic. And i'm not being sarcastic at all. Only problem is i don't let go of things... or in this case people. URGGGGH why did i have to fall in love with you so much? Why were you so great and... all that shit! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!!!!! YOU FUCKING PRICK HOW DARE YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THAT YOU SCUM!... but i love you all the same...because unlike your feelings, mine were real. And they still are. Please let me go. I can't stand feeling like this about you all the time.
Ok, just kinda realised i was addressing him there and not the... maybe one reader. Hey sam or ashley :D. Well if ever the person thats addressed to ever reads that (which i highly doubt they will) then i don't know what'll happen and i don't really care either to be honest xD. I love my boyfriend. Hes awesome. Poor thing got picked on again today. I swear if anyone ever does anything like that infront of my i'm gunna go fucking spear :L Like proper crazy :L Rippin out hair (maybe teeth too) beaten the shit into them. You know. The works. Although to be fair i'd probably just get raped on the fact that i'm uber small and weak... I do kung fu though... (not very well...). Yeahhhhh i'd die. Oh well :L
I hate my body and myself. I just hate it. I hate the way my stomach is and how all the other girls have chopping board stomachs. Guess i'm just fat. Urgh i hate this body. Well the shape is good. I just hate the fat all around it. And how small and weak i am. And my legs. God i hate my legs. Not sure i really want to even write about in case someone sees. (which they won't cos no one reads this because no one cares). And i hate my hair :(
I get so depressed. Earlier on today, just a few hours ago i looked up how to make myself throw up. How desperate. Not to mention pathetic. But i still want to do it all the same.
Overdosed myself on painkillers a few weeks ago. Not to kill myself or anything i was just in pain. Then my teacher overheard and told the school counciler. Even though i wasn't doing it to hurt myself. She just made me realise how easy it was. How easily i could do it if i wanted to. And i hate the fact that i was actually tempted to try it. But with ashley, I have a reason to live. As stupid as it sounds. To be honest at the begining of our relationship i wasn't that into him at all. (When i say that i mean like when i first found out who he was). But hes so great and I'm sooooooooo glad i have him. Wouldn't be the same without him at all. And unlike someone he actually cares about me. And my feelings. Values me as a person. I wish i could spend everyday with him, its horrible not being with him. I feel guilty that i still care for someone else and love them but at the end  of the day i know with time it'll pass. I just have to ride it out and everything will be ok i know it will. It doesn't matter anyway. I don't matter really.
Well this has been both depressing and angry and my usual sense of self banter as i type instead of having a lengthy conversation with myself :L
Bye bye reader x

wellllllllllllllll

Well...thats the end of my little saga. Hope its not too bad. I did do it in year 9 though so give me some credit lol.

last piece of shit

Once within the room where my memories were slumbering I franticly started throwing files everywhere in search of mine. File upon, file upon file I searched. Making the floor a sea of white paper and words. After already seeping through 4 file cabinets I finally reached the one where my answers were. “Mrs. Ofelia Grace Cross” I happily mumbled to myself reading aloud its heading. I frantically again started reading through all the information. My husbands name was written in the family section. Mr. Tristan Luke Cross. But there was another name underneath it also. Miss. Morgana Lilly Cross. Could it be I had a daughter? I slowly put one hand to lift up my hospital robe to see my stomach. Small stretch marks very faintly lined parts of me. My lips again separated at the knowledge of knowing I was a mother and a wife. Where was my poor little girl now I wondered. As maternal instincts slowly started awakening. The only information they had on her was her place of birth. Lion heart hospital. I flipped the back of the folder over to see the name of the hospital I was trapped in now. And surprise, surprise it was indeed the same hospital I was in now. “Must’ve been how the nurse Heather knew me” I quietly mumbled to myself.

After trying to think about my mystery families names, grasping on to the slightest hope I might remember something. I sighed and gave up and went back to cheating and reading more information on the file. My eyebrows rose as I saw the header. ‘Cause for hospitalization’. But that information to my frustration hadn’t yet been filled in. Damn hospital slackers I thought to myself. However it did have the address of where I was currently living and what I did for a living. It read: Occupation: Architect. This confused me slightly that out of everything I could possibly be it was that. But also brought on a painful sense of hurt in my stomach. Had I really lost all sense of who I really was before I woke up? I shook my head side to side dismissing such a terrifying thought like and true coward and forced my attention into reading where I live. All it said was 22 old station apartments. That’s where I needed to go.

I worked my way down the fire exit stairs to the pavement out side. The touch of the cold stone on my feet was unwelcomingly cold and rough on my skin. File in hand I took another look at the address of my home. There were road signs on the other side of the entrance other the road from the hospital, but I couldn’t see them right in the dark no matter how much my eyes strained and stared at them. One little baby step at a time I headed towards them. My feet had an abundance of little cuts and scrapes on them from walking through the tiny little pieces of shingle and onto the grass verge of the pavement. The trees surrounding the hospital were so large and close together they reminded me of prison walls as I stared back at them. I got to the pavements edge with my cold toes hanging over it like little monkey feet. As I was about to venture across the silent road to the sign I heard a faint sound from in the forest patch of the hospital. “Ofelia.” It weakly murmured out to me. I didn’t want to look. Terrified I kept my eyes straight ahead in the darkness only lit by a few eerie street lamps. “Ofelia.” It said more clearly as if it was raising its voice for attention. My walk turned into a hasty jog over the road to the sign. Still ignoring it I looked at the dirty directions. The sign was high from the ground yet filled with graffiti. There weren’t any clear directions to where I needed to go. But there was one to the station. “Station house… how far away can it be?” I whispered cheerily to myself and jogged off as fast as my feet could bare the pain in the direction.    

I’d jogged for what seemed like a lifetime. As some cars past me I got very concerned looks. But yet again who wouldn’t give a concerned look to a woman running at the side of the road in a hospital gown with no shoes or anything like that? Walking and walking the search for home became a tiring thing to do. Desperation pulled me through however. I felt so lost in this world. None of which I recognised anything of. All the houses looked the same. Awfully the same as each other. Just as clinical as the hospital. Was there any escape from this dullness? Just as that thought passed through my mind a black blur appeared out of the corner of my blood shot eyes. At the end of the road was a house. Scorched black. A train line went over the top of it on a bridge that went over the road. It filled me with curiosity as I got nearer and nearer to until eventually the horror was before my eyes.  

Right before me stood a burnt house with half a train hanging off the bridge. The train had fallen off the line and crushed the house and burnt it it appeared. Like a child curious to see I enter the front garden and went to the door. “No…” slipped off my cold lips and into the air that I could see in front of my face as I saw on a sign next to the door. Station house. This is where I live. All manors of horrors filled my mind with the possibilities. The place reeked of suffering and horror. Filled with fear I ripped the police yellow tape away and pushed my way through the half black door…

The smell of smoke and something metallicy swirled up my nose as my eyes were caressed with a wall of black. Everything inside was ruined. A staircase still stood with pictures in broken frames lying across its steps. Slowly. And shaking I walked towards them. I picked one up but the picture was burnt and the detail melted. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a room with its door open. Without hesitation I haled my bleeding feet up the splintered stairs and burst into the room gasping for breath… When I saw myself in the mirror…

My eyes looked down as I looked down with the shame of my appearance. At the bottom of the cloudy mirror lay a small wooden box with beautiful carvings engraved on its top. I knelt down in the dust to open it…Pictures filled the box… Of me…and my family. Looking through them all filled my eyes with tears. Especially as I reached the one of just us three. Tears fell down face like a waterfall of despair. The poison in my vanes burnt more than ever as my organs were virtually poking out of my back they sunk so deep. He had long beautiful chestnut hair and so did she. With the most enchanting brown eyes and brown trench coat. His smile haunted my thoughts along with hers…Out of rage I threw the picture onto the floor and stood up as I drove my fist into the mirror. Shattered pieces of glass stabbed into my pale hand as the river of blood swept down my arm. Squinting my eyes with tears with pure rage I felt a warm breath caress my neck and tingle down my cold spine. I slowly lifted my head. Looking into the mirror. “Ofelia…my love”. Cursed to see the sight of my husband’s corpse standing behind me. His lips were inches away from my neck as he gently warmed my neck. And his brown long hair reflecting the moon light hanging over his eyes… I looked down in the mirror to my chest. His knuckles sticking out from my chest as his hands were gripping onto my heart. My breathing raced like never before as the pain sunk in. My head had uncontrollable pain init. The poison really was rushing through my vanes as the pain of having my heart gripped sunk in like a knife. Slowly his knuckles were disappearing until I heard the sound of my organs squelching inside of my chest. Until finally. My heart stopped… I fell to the floor like a fly falling out of the sky. Laying there paralyzed and weak. My broken body seemed to crawl with unlimited pain. Shattered mirror pieces lay like me across the floor. Desperation led me to lift out my pale weak shaking arm filled with fear to see what stood behind me. Hesitantly, unsteadily, slowly holding up the broken mirror piece above my dieing body.  To see him standing there smiling down on me. “You’re free Ofelia. We’re free.” I heard as the last thing. Before the darkness returned… for the last time.

The doctors traced my steps to the house after discovering I was gone. It was declared that I had died from the sudden memory loss from the box of pictures as my post-mortem revealed. My brain couldn’t take it and my heart stopped.

But thats not what happened at all.   

piece a shit four

All this secrecy was wearing away my patience. “Where’s my husband?” I said demandingly but all he did was look at me again and walk out of the room. It was infuriating. Blood boiling. It all got too much for me to bare. I needed to know who I was and who was important to me in my life. So from there I’d decided. I knew where they kept all the files. I knew how to get past the reception. What was there to possibly stop me from breaking free of this clinical prison nightmare? That night I was going to find out who I really was.

It was night. The lights in my room were off making it so black. The only light shining through into my prison was that that came through the menacing blinds from the reception. Still weak unattached myself from all the machines that had been monitoring my every breath and heart beat. Once they were off of me I almost felt vulnerable that they weren’t there to set an alarm off if something went wrong with me. But at the same time I felt independent for the first time I could remember. Slowly uncovering my sheets from binding me to my bed of despair. With every single thing I did to make myself free felt surreal and liberating. I turned my legs so that they were hanging from the bed and hesitantly rested my bare little feet onto the cold lino. I looked down at the floor and took one deep breath that flew through my wheezy lungs and with all my strength, got up to stand. I stumbled across to where the blinds were. Like a baby I was still only just picking up how to walk. More like a child that hadn’t ridden their bike without stabilizers before. How awful that felt.

As I peered through the blinds there into the dimly lit reception there was no one there apart from a nurse sleeping at the desk over some files. I knew I’d have to try my best to be like a shadow and sneak past her to freedom. I turned my head unwillingly and forcefully towards the glass door. My hair went completely fly away as the electric shock surged up my body… I was frozen in shock. There in the corner of my room was a small girl standing. Staring at me. Her hair tied up bunchies and big glowing brown eyes. I reached out one hand to touch her. Blood starting dripping down her forehead. Gasping from shock I tried to reach out to her further but I couldn’t make it. Like a magnetic force holding me back from her. The blank look on her face didn’t change as the blood was still trickling down her innocent little face. I reached out with all my might and whatever was holding me back let go, and as a consequence I went tumberling towards her. My face smashed into the lino and pain flushed across my nose. I quickly sat up to cup it with my hands. But as I looked the little girl had vanished. Even the blood wasn’t anywhere to be seen. As I had my hands cupped over my nose a tear escaped from my eyes. What worried me most was that I knew this wasn’t a dream.

More coldness shot through my already freezing hands as I slowly turned the door knob of the glass door to the side of the corridor leading to the reception. While I was opening the door and stepping out I took one last look back into my cell. The sheets unmade from my escape lay there like a murder scene layout with all the machine leads lying unattached across it. But that was all over now. Venturing out nervously along the corridor and around to where my window was. The nurse still lay there sleeping. I turned my head like a robot on a mission trying to spot the file room. When in crawled into the corner of my eye. So quietly drifted along to my treasure I’d been dreaming of.

piece a shit three

A puzzled look became more and more plastered to my face as my already dizzy with questions brain was trying to sort out reality and dreams. “That was far too vivid to be a dream… but where I am now tells me it must’ve been…” I raised one hand and rested it on my forehead and eye. Just at that moment the nurse walked in rather rudely with a food trolley. Not that I was in any mood to be eating right then. “Sleep well Mrs Cross?” she said with a smile. “It’s hard to say… I had the most terr-… did you just call me Mrs Cross?”… My lips separated once again with utter confusion. “It’s those doctors you see mi love, they think you’re more fragile then ye actually are. I means how’s a nice young lass like you going to work out every single detail without a little jog eh?” She went along her usually way serving me my food whilst tutting away and mumbling about doctors. “Do you know much about me?” I said with the slightest hint of optimism in my voice. “You’ll see.” She said with a little wink whilst slinking out the door.   

I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself at that point in time. Like a vegetable I just sat there staring into nothingness trying to reach into the deepest memories of my mind to at least find out my first name. Every second not knowing who I was felt as if when I woke up I had a poison sleeping in my vanes going up to my brain and slowing killing the person I so wanted to remember. Like I was losing myself. Days passed and weeks along with them. The world was changing around me and yet I stayed the same. The same dream repeated itself night after night. I was so determined to catch him. The doctors told me it was normal after ‘such events’ as he called them to suffer graphic nightmares. To me though this was a nightmare. All I could do was sit and wonder. I’d ask the doctors over and over “Why haven’t my family come?” but there was never a response. Just a man unable to make eye contact with a woman in a woefully reliant state.  But one day I had to ask.  I had to know.

It had been a month. A long cold month. All the doctors gathered in my room again. “Miss Cro-“

“It’s Mrs Cross apparently.” I cut him off firmly.  Anger was already sending shivers down my arms about being lied to. I wanted to know the truth.

“Ah yes nurse Heather informed you of that did she not?”

“Yes. She did. Why have you been lying to me then?” More and more anger building.

“Again it was a case of how fragile you were. You have suffered very harsh circumstances. But now I and the other consultants have been discussing a few things and we think your brain has stabilized enough for us to tell you a very small amount about yourself. At least what we have on file that is.” He said in his usual emotionless voice.

“Please tell me then. I’ve been so scared.”

He left the room along with a few other emotionless looking doctors; I swear they just stand there like his personal pencil case. Leaving one. Standing very tall at the end of the room, in his white coat holding the little file. It shocked me to see my whole name on the front of it. Infact it gave me that same gut wrenching feeling I had a week ago. Just far more frightening. Gave me the feeling both sides of my head had been smashed in leaving the middle intact and focusing on the aching pain around. “Your name is Ofelia Grace Cross. Your 28. The current date now is the 16^th of February 2009. Your birthday is July 18^th.  Yes you are married. That’s all I can tell you for now I’m afraid…” He said with a painful look written in his eyes.

piece a shit two

All the feelings to my dismay were causing a hurricane in my mind as I opened my eyes for a second time. But this time things were definitely not the same. These sounds made me feel uneasy. Muffled screams, cries even. As my vision hesitantly awoke the calm dim colours I laid eyes on before had turned to black. And seas of red and orange.  Squinting my eyes, a wall of pure heat fiercely smothered my face. My heart racing my hands shaking I looked down at my bed. Covered in ash and tiny sprinkles of wood. My head slowly looking up from my bed to the window where the blinds half hanged. Peering through and squinting more. “No…” slipped off my tongue. The hospital was definitely on fire. The reception blazing away as bodies lay across it and desperate cries called from no where. Chills went shivering down my mind as I heard a voice come from outside the window. “Ofelia.”

Time stopped. My heart skipped a beat as I heard the name. Slowly turning my head. To see the tall dark figure outside. Pain rushed through my vanes like poison as my eyes widened and pupils shrunk. Everything had stopped. The flames were frozen in time. Not flickering a single bit. The ashes sat dead in the air. The feeling was indescribable. The figure slowly raised an arm and held out a graceful hand. “Ofelia.”  Like a dead body I lay frozen in my bed as my lips slowly separated. A rush of air into the room forced me to close my eyes and raise an arm to cover my face as ash flowed through the wind into my face whilst time resumed itself. Immediately I looked left and right when the wind died to search for the figure…Gone. “Wait!” I cried like a child. Harshly throwing my covers off the bed I raced for the door.

The upper half of the reception filled with smoke. Sitting there like a toxic storm cloud. One of the ceiling panels fell down onto my back crashing into me and forcing me onto all fours. I burnt my hands on ash on the floor as I fell and also when I pushed off the burning ceiling panel. “Ofelia.” The gentle humble voice called. I shot up immediately to stand and see. The tall mans figure was standing at the other side of the reception. I hobbled towards and climbed over the desk. He’d moved again. “Oflelia.” This time he stood at the end of a corridor. Flames had forced the windows to break from the rooms either side of the corridor. I slowly walked towards him down the dark corridor lit with the golden red glow from the terrifying flames. Moans and cries surrounded me as I walked past the rooms. But no one was to be seen. Not a soul. Not even any bodies. Just small splats of blood on the floor and walls. Broken machines and shattered pieces of glass were everywhere and all the beds in the room unmade. As I neared the figure he walked backwards up a set of stairs still holding his hand out to me. My arm unwillingly slowly rose up to his as my legs no longer were under my control either. I tried to resist as my hand shockingly turned over also and my fingers uncurled to him. We reached the roof and he stood at the end standing daringly on the edge. He raised his long arm again. “Ofelia.” My legs still carrying me distressingly towards him when I bright light like a thousand suns rose up behind him. I lifted my other arm to my face to cover my blinded eyes. When I opened them up again though. I was back in the dim coloured hospital room.

piece a shit one

Laying there paralyzed and weak. My broken body seemed to crawl with unlimited pain. Shattered mirror pieces lay like me across the floor. Desperation led me to lift out my pale weak shaking arm filled with fear to see what stood behind me. Hesitantly, unsteadily, slowly holding up the broken mirror piece above my dieing body. That’s when I remembered the tragedy my brain had so desperately forgotten. That’s when it all came to an end.

Blackness filling my vision. Ever so noisy sounds filling my ears. Reeking taste torturing my tongue.  Throat feeling like it had suffered a million years without drinking. And an indescribable dizziness swelling like a hurricane in my mind. “What is this?”… My voice weakly crooked. What sounded like a surprised muffled voice mumbled something quickly and loudly. Sudden sounds of shuffling surrounded where I lay propped up.  I felt a hand gently grab mine and a clearer mumble seem to address me. “Miss cross?...Miss cross?...”it said. “Is that me?” I crooked.  The hands grip on mine weakened as if it was disappointed.  Suddenly slowly yet surely my vision started accepting light and colour until after a few seconds I could see. 

I was in a private hospital room. The awful noises were from beeping and humming machines that surrounded me. Dim colours clinically hugged the walls. There were windows in the room but they didn’t seem to be to outside. I couldn’t tell since they had blinds tightly covering them. Four men and one woman were standing at the end of my tightly made bed. “I-“

“Please save your breath Miss Cross-“one of the men quickly cut in. “you’ve been in a coma for some time now.”

“What happened to me?” Blank looks came over their faces and they looked at each other with concerned looks. One man took out some charts from a folder he had in his hands and pointed out something to the others on it. The first man took it and sighed. “Miss cross I’m afraid you’ve suffered major injuries that have caused you to also have some serious memory loss. And because of this injury if we inform you of what happened and your memories all come back at once it could cause your brain to lets say ‘overload’ and as a result…Stop your heart beating.”… A sickening feeling made all my organs sink deep into my body as the toxic panic made my stomach acids ache. In my panic I desperately tried to get out of the bed and stand.

“W-wait what? No, no you have to tell me what the hells going on!” My body was so weak and heavy. I tried to stand but my legs had no balance or feeling and I fell into the arms of the nurse.  Despair sunk in and I was becoming even more distressed as the nurse and one of the doctors forced me back onto the bed. I screeched out “Please! Why am I here? I don’t understand! Tell m-“The nurse pressed a gas mask over my face to calm me down. But I was desperate. As I was falling sleepy and my eyelids becoming heavy I still managed to murmur “Please…I-I’m so…confused.” The darkness returned.

Just found something kool (AND 11.11.11!!!! SKYRIM BABY!!!!!!!!!! :D)

Ok, so this is something i wrote a loooooooooong time ago and I thought it was really good because i spent alot of time actually doing that. Then when it came to actually handing it in i felt really good :L but unfortunately it was never marked because my teachers house burnt down :( So i never actually got to know weather or not i'd written abunch shit or not. So here we go :D

Road to no where.

What the hell. Just literally what the hell. Life you utter utter son of a bitch, you can be so so so so so so great but for all the wrong people you are an utter slave driving, suicide encouraging, heartbreaking, problem giving, hate burning, envy churning DICK! There are so many good people in this world and all they ever get is everything they don't deserve. And the bad ones go unpunished. Well. At least in this world. Lately I've been thinking alot about how these days are supposedly the last. How rumors of war are being whisperd here and there, global warming, running out of fuel, chavs, all these earthquakes. Are these really the last days? What really scares me is... am I good enough to be judged a good person... Or have I just gone too far and I'm lost in the fog of sinners. Its all far too much to deal with, especially being a rather lusty teenager with needs and what not.
The world is such a lonely place... I'm so lost. I feel so ungrateful for everything I've been blessed with because it lacks perfection. I shouldn't be like that... I'm like a puddle in the summer. Shallow. The funny thing is I'm not even pretty enough to be shallow or picky. I'm a choosey beggar so to say. Not to mention the absloute hole in my chest that I can't seem to fill... ha... Getting the perfect thing you've wanted since yr 8 and for years just treated as a fantasy you never thought would happen then having it taken away so causually when it was everything to you... Doesn't heal very quickly... if it does heal at all. Just seems to get deeper and deeper with every sec I think about it. I have someone very special however. Its just trying to stop thinking about that obcesstion.  It hurts even more knowing that he doesn't think about me. That I was nothing to him in reality. Just a time killer. Just... nothing.

Day Two/Three 15.10.11,16.10.11

Right. Didn't have time to do this yesterday, not that anyone really cares to be honest. Just me all alone. The feeling of loneliness is a funny thing... You can be in a room full of people and still feel like your the only person in the world. Not to mention feeling alienated. I hate that with passion. Yesterday I had the gran parents over. Lovely bunch. Typical grandad 'DURING THE WAR' kinda thing, apart from my grandad always says the word war so it sounds like 'war-waa'. Lol. And my aparent great uncle and aunt. I really don't know why they bother coming to ours to be honest. They just sit there, eat our food and don't talk to anyone. For all I know they could be just a few hobos that turned up off the bloody street. No really I mean they don't talk to anyone! URGH. FAMILY. (apprently). Made a massive fool of myself yesterday in front of the boyfriend's mother. Bloody hell. You start to jog up to the stairs then fall flat on your bloody face in front of her.... She didn't look impressed I must say. Urrrgggggh just thinking about that makes me put my head in my hands in embarrisment. I really love spending time there when his family arn't around. (don't get any sick ideas there.) All the awkwardness thats there when his mum and his sister are there just goes and I feel like I can actually be me without having to worry about keeping up apprences in front of those two. Thats the thing about being a freak. You have to pretend to be someone else in front of people that don't know you well enough. But somehow you still look like a freak. At least I do. I feel sorry the poor boy to be honest. I don't know why everyone feels the need to put him down. If anything I think thats why he doesnt do as well as he could. I mean if someone just gave him a bit of praise at least he wouldn't feel so picked on. He doesnt even have any aspects that are pickable. Hes a great guy. (if I dont say so myself :L). So slept over there last night. Actually had a really good nights sleep! Usually I wake up all the time and its just really annoying. I think its because I was actually like calm for once. Had the weridest dream ever! I dreamt I was having a smoke with bart simpson (Yeah I don't know why but usually I smoke in my dreams now... better there then here I spose) as you do, then the skinner guy or whatevers hes called came and took me to the office  which then somehow magically turned into my school. When mr.wilson came out as was just like giving you the old do you want to die smoking lecture and then I was just like. Yes. Yes I do want to die. Anything to get me there faster. Then I can't remember what happened apart from this girl in my class (gobby as a bloody.. gob) and I just remember beating the shit into her (I have alot of built up anger) and picking her up and throwing her head into the table multiple times (was quite fun actually) Then its blank and I can't remember much apart from walking out the room seeing .... someone. Yeah I don't think the rest of this dream needs to be explained so I think I'll leave it there. OK. Heres a quick summary of what happened today: woke up; me man came in; I told him to go cos otherwise his mum'd get pissy (annnnnnnnnnnnnd I was enjoying his rather comfy bed); half an hour later he came back in; we watched the rest of johnny english; I was starving so he kindly let me rade his kitchen; watched dispickable me; played on rage; got dressed ect; played more rage; had lunch; played more rage together; had to go home; went home; got home; did some stuff; went out with step brother for a bike ride; got exhausted; nicked a sun flower head from a field; rode away feeling like a proper rebel!; home we came; nothing really happened after that; put alice in wonderland on; am currently watching alice in wonderland and writing my blog. Can't wait for my  roast dinner to be honest. I'm a pig like that. Urgh. Got to write out my french exam questions but I don't know what the hell to put and times running out to revise it BUT I DON'T EVEN HAVE IT DONE YET URGGGGGGGGGH. Plus I have history. UG. Well that was that. Into the deeper stuff. I do feel like I'm a bad person... is it wrong to be with someone and still care for another? Is it horrible to care for the two equally and still be heartbroken once the other has moved on? I do worry... Well I  hope I get time to write tomorrow. 

Day one. 14.10.11

Friday. Fridays are always so werid for me. My lessons are all swapped around from what they usually are all the other days so in my first lesson i feel like its going to be break after. BUT ITS NOT. Its tragic it really is. P.E is a chor... i like it for the first 10mins then i just can't be dealing with it. And for some reason i got an award for effort in it last year :L... well i do do 50 situps a night  ;) yeah bitches!! :L Things with friends right now are a bit pear shaped.... pht.. talk about thereselves feeling like a third wheel...you can't feel more third wheel than i do right now seriously. I mean whats up with that? Your friends with someone for like the whole time your at a school and then smack. You just get ditched and kinda left behind and left out. You'd think you'd be able to go to the prom with your bestfriend without feeling like your intruding.. Yeah so, that sucks. Can't wait to go to college.. i just want to meet new people it'll be so awesome! New friends, new place, just a new start in genral :) At least i hope... it could go completely wrong and i'll end up being the nerd that sits in a corner with no one else and eats their lunch because no one else will sit with them... LETS THINK POSITIVE THO SHALL WE??!?!?!? infact actually what if there arn't even people their i want to be friends with? This whole life business isnt very easy. I'm determined to find someone awesome who thinks im awesome and'll play xbox with me and be like BOOM HEADSHOT. And other stuff of course :L... God had to do an English assesment today. To be quite honest i think i've written a big papery piece of shit. Hopefully i'll get that A tho :L Been depressedish all day actually.. i have my reasons but one of them is so stupid and i want to ignore it so i get over it. On the heart break agendar of my life im still not over the.. current? events of the past. (yeah that didnt make sense oh well :L). Its so awkward watching your x's mini me walking about school just like he used to... sometimes i can't really look it hurts so much. More on that as emotional circumstance is pushed over the edge. Even more awkward is when your trying to write a CV and have to list achievements and you have NOTHING. Apart from grade one passed in kung fu so i can kick ass my work friends. Thats helpful.  Why is every other girl in my school gotta stomach that doesnt stick out as much as mine? Am i a pig? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??? I go in those changing rooms and they're all like chopping boards! WTF?!?!?!?! OH im sorry i refuse to eat like a rabbit for the rest of my fucking life. But still its not like i dont do any exercise. But why? why why why? I'm just fat. Ok. There. I've come to terms with it. After this post i think im going to go make myself throw up in the loo :L jokes. Well im trying to think of something else that happened today buuuuut i cant really think of anything so i guess this is where i finish up for now. Lucky you eh? OH wait, the awkward moment when you poke your other x on facebook and it tells you they havent yet recieved your other poke. I think everyone gets that message. Oh well who needs someone that gave you a Stupid excuse for leaving you. THERE i said it! i feel rather good now :L Goodnight!

What this life started like.

Ok, here goes my rather pointless attempt at releasing my thoughts so they no longer just float around my head and get really annoying :L Theres going to be alot of spelling mistakes and what not so don't judge. (that is if any unfortunate soul stumbles on my days pool of thoughts...not sure how this thing really works either :L WOW i can see i have a great start already xD) Right heres a summary of whats been goin down for the last 15 years and a bit. Once upon a time mum and dad get married, when im at the age of 6 (apprently... i thought it was 2) they separate. Turns out dads gay. And amazingly enough at the age of 9 (IT WAS SO 10 THO) it basically all gets served to me in one day, that they got devorced, dads gay, mums found someone else and im moving something like 45 miles away from my home town where i'd spent all of my life so far.... Yeah.. that day wasn't too fun. Think i better mention where my utter madness probably orginates from. My first best friend (Kinda) (first one i actually didnt like at all and for some reason i always used to be with her... thats still a mystery to me) Samantha! A crazy child obcessed with rabbits and pokenmon. Then moved to litcham and shizzle and its just too much to write right now i'll tell you about it some other time. That is if you've read up to here in which case. Oh my god :L.